Who Was Drunk On The Job At Giuseppe Zanotti?

($854, Giuseppe Zanotti, Zappos Couture)

Christ in a cupboard. Aren't these just the perfect portrait of subtle serenity? Like a swan on a placid fucking lake.

Even the description of this shitstorm of a shoe is a runway train of excess: "Iridescent metallic leather upper with a patent lip detail on the heel quarter and a croc print patent strap on the vamp."

Also, there's a jeweled buckle. If you hadn't noticed.

Less horrible but also questionable:

($132 USD, Office.co.uk)

Eeeesh. Of course, after that Giuseppe Zanotti farrago, anything looks decent.

($124, Office.co.uk)

Or, instead of buying this obscenely overreaching, potentially crippingly AND tacky wooden wedge heel, you could save your money and just split a log in half, hollow it out, and stick your foot inside. Voilà! Free shoes!