Nobody Does A Bikini Better Than Mara Hoffman

($170, Mara Hoffman, Shopbop.com)

I need a bikini like I need... I don't know. A pair of pink Uggs or something. I will probably never see the water this summer, which I'll be spending under the fluorescent lights of my office. Just like I spent the past 10 summers! But if I were in the market for a bikini, nobody does it better than Mara Hoffman. Right, Carly Simon? Baby you're the best.

Cel mai scump bikini din lume

Costa 30 000 000$ si este confectionat in totalitate din diamante.

credit foto: thedayiwentmad

Bikini Binge! Two By Tara Matthews

... And of COURSE, one's a peacock bikini! Normally THIS many sequins would make me a bit queasy (exceptions made for sequin jackets though), but the colors are gorgeous. Aside from the fact that I'm more of a one-piece girl these days (errr... they're more elongating? That's it...), AND that I ain't seen the sandy side of a beach in a year, the $400 ticket deters, but it's still nice to looky.

($400, Tara Matthews, Net-a-porter.com)

I really like the cut of the bottoms too. Not skanksville at all.

($370, Tara Matthews, Net-a-Porter.com)

Also super cute. The birdies are kinda Esther Williams, but the bright turquoise is super now.

Magical Unicorn Bikini

I'm truly not so into swimwear -- I find occasions to wear mine about two times a year, maybe. It's a Shoshanna two-piece black bikini with precious little cherries. It was an investment suit, and it's held up nicely since I bought it about four summers ago. But, if I were to invest in another, I'd definitely buy this baby:


($42.90, Asos.com)
This unicorn bikini lept into my heart with its mythical adorbsness, and I wish it'd leap from England directly into my apartment alcove. I'd probably find more reasons to go to the beach, eventhough the truth is, I'm not much of a beachy person, eventhough my parents live about five minutes from one. This is just one of those pieces that looks like it'd just feel good to own, you know?

Big-Busted Bathing Suit Bonanza!

In real life, I'm pretty much a straightshooter. Online however, since we haven't exactly all met or anything, I tend to air on the more discreet side -- I'm just not the type of blogger who likes to blog about personal stuff like past sexual partners or number of weekly poos I take or that sort of thing. But, I'll be blunt about this because it's no big secret, it's something many of you readers out there can sympathize with, and because it's pretty obvious -- while I'm short (5'2") and small (around size 8), I ain't exactly wee on top. Like I said -- no big secret. They're quite real, and they're quite a hassle, especially when shopping for bras and bathing suits, and coincidentally I shopped for both this weekend. The former yielded more successful results. The latter, however... oy.

I tried on this lovely one-piece (it's gonna be a one-piece summer, my friends) at Bird:

($99, Mocium, Bird)

Surprisingly the butt and tum looked great! The top, however, covered basically not a damn thing. It was like comically pornographic looking. Like Pam Anderson in Baywatch, minus the gravity-defying silicon. Not cute. Seriously, this suit is for AAAAAAAA cups. I seriously felt a bit like this:



... Minus the bulge. Use your imagination. It was ridiculous. So when I got home, I Googled, in a rather rudimentary fashion, "big-busted bathing suits." Again, slightly ridiculous, I know. To my surprise though, I found some really cute stuff for those of us out there who are a weeeee bit bigger than a C and can't exactly pop in and buy suits right off the rack at Target or Old Navy. And, because some of you can, I threw in some "regular lady" suits too, so everyone feels like they win.

($99, Fantasie of England, Biggerbras.com)

I can't really tell if this is granny-ish or not, but I think it could actually be kinda cute. By the way, I'd never heard of Biggerbras.com, but it looks like most of the bathing suits start at D cups. Yay!

($89, Sunflair, Carabella.com)

Classic sweet polka dots. I like the piping at the neckline.

($75, Popina)

Sweet, but if you're gonna do polka dots, I think it's best to keep them black-and-white.

($39, Shape fx, Carabella)

I'm a bigger fan of this turquoise shade than the robin's egg blue above. And while the jeweled strap is a weeee bit cheeze-say, you can't deny the awesome slimming powers of shirring. Plus, this suit's got a built-in shelf bra, which is a must, obviously. I might try this one out. And also, I must say, I'd never heard of Carabella, but I'm definitely glad I discovered in my "big booby bathing suit" search, because their selection, range of sizes, and prices are great.

($39, Shape fx, Carabella)

Love the soft grey and the super femme style here. And, YO! $39!

($63, Rochford, Biggerbras.com)

It's a little '80s but still really cute. The tie = quite waist-enhancing, which is a good thing, especially if you've got lotsa business up top.

($39, Shoshanna, Bluefly)

($29, Shoshanna, Bluefly)

Shoshanna makes some of my favorite bathing suits -- especially bikinis -- for the well-endowed lady, erm, even though this one's only available (or only in stock) in up to a C cup. But check out the cute treasure chest theme on the soft pink background! Cute cute cute!

(Top: $11.95, bottom: $8.95, Carabella.com)

See, regular-chested lady? I care about you too!

Escape to Cuters Beach

I'm headed out on a starter vacay tomorrow -- I really should be packing and not playing around. And while I'm not going to the beach (nay, definitely not -- I'm off to sandy Kalamazoo... jealous?), here's my fantasy packing list of stuff I'd like to be bringing with me were I off to a weeklong trip to the beach and not getting up at 5 a.m. for a three-day trip to the Midwest:

($168, Letarte, Canyonbeachwear.com)

Such a suit. Letarte makes great suits. This safari bikini is supercute and not too overkill with the jungle theme.

($156, Letarte, Couturecandy.com)

Another cute Letarte. Reminds me of Shoshanna's bikinis.

($187, Serfontaine, WinkNYC.com)

These are sort of ridiculous, but they're so soft and comfy-looking and would be so cute with a beachy tank.

($30.50, Alloy)

So old-school they're almost great. Very Mary-Kate Olsen, according to Chicago JP. True!

($35, Alternative Apparel)

Buttery soft heather cropped pants, perfect for pulling on and lounging around after you've taken your post-beach shower. Also, I cannot say enough good things about Alternative Apparel -- their fit and feel are fantastic, and they're not headed by an evil, mustachioed porn-faced CEO! Yay!

($112, Peter Jensen, Gargyle)

More Southampton than South Padre.

($595, Loeffler Randall, ActiveEndeavors.com)

I'm not the type to wear heels with shorts and a bikini top, but if I wear, these would be the perfect pair for that sort of ridiculous posturing that really only happens in movies and magazines, I hope.

($75, Shopintuition.com)

Super cute beachy-prep bowling bag.

($68, Brooklyn Industries)

Not beachy per se, but super fun. Brooklyn Industries has gotten cuter! The first one reminds me of Paul's Boutique.

($70, Boost, Urban Outfitters)

Suuuuuuuper fun, suuuuuper summery cute headphones... to go in your beach bag.

($1.29, Biocare Labs)

The site is pure crap, but trust me -- this lip balm is the best. Doesn't do that gross thing where it makes you thirsty in the back of your throat. Okay -- time to pack my ACTUAL, real-life items. Nitey!

Bathing Suit Lust: Zimmermann's Avalon Butterfly Suit

($242, Avalon, WinkNYC.com)

To be sure, $242 is a lot for this bathing suit, by Aussie label Zimmermann, but it does come with a halter strap, and that's worth at least eight bucks! Very Golden Girls glam. Also, I don't really have $242 sitting around, but I do have some eggs ripe for the harvesting! Do you think Wink barters?

Another sweet butterfly motif Zimmermann suit:

($196, Zimmermann, Shopbop)

Not That I Really Want To Think About Swimwear At This Point, But...

I mean, blah blah blah love your body and get breast exams and shit, but honestly, at this point in the season, I'd probably rather get a couple consecutive Paps than go bathing suit shopping. But that doesn't keep me from Windows shopping (GET IT????). Lame, I know. Onto the suits...

I just found out about swim line Red Carter. I likes what I sees!

(Red Carter, Tropi-Ties.com)

Looks like this one, the "Nouvelle," isn't available until later this month. Worth waiting for, I opine!

(Red Carter, Tropi-Ties.com)

This one -- the "Straight Arrow," is also TK, as we say in "the biz"... the biz of saying things. Can you handle the arrow pointing toward and away from your "choche"? (It rhymes with "encroach," in case you were wondering, and Daddy Likey inspired that one. It kind of almost reminds me of the Most Amazing Bikini Ever Created -- Kara Janx's fear-ocious tigerkini, which is on super-duper sale (in size L) here:

($60, Kara Janx, Azaeleasnyc.com)Good kitty. Down, girl!

($92, Carter Red, Bluefly.com)

Subtle but not boring! By the way, Bluefly just launched a new something-or-other called B*fly -- looks basically just like a site-within-a-site, designed to help you wade through the grammaw stuff and find the cute stuff faster. Okay then.

($115, Shoshanna, Nordstrom)

($66, Shoshanna, Nordstrom)

Shoshanna deserves mad big-boob props -- she designs for a wonderfully realistic range of weird cup-age, fruit-inspired body shapes and other various real-woman issues of disproportion. While the top of this suit does go all the way up to 36DDD, I really couldn't it being right for a busty broad. Nevertheless, this is an adorable pick (love the sunny mid-century diamonds!), and, as previously stated, Shoshanna is great for stylish, smart, supportive suits in an impressive range of sizes. I have two bikinis by her that I love. Get some.

(Top: $38, Bottom: $38, Billabong, Urban Outfitters)

Cute. A mass-market version of that ubi-quit-ous Elie Saab floral dress?

(Elie Saab, RTW 2008)

(Top: $9.99; Bottom: $9.99, Old Navy)
Easy, cute.

($98, Urban Outfitters)

I like me a nice one-piece. This one's flirty-cute, and it's got a lot of coverage, which isn't necessarily bad; modesty's not just for Mormons, you know! Oh yeah, also: Urban Outfitters promo code: 10% off your online order: PICKAWINNER, expires May 10, 2008.

($88, Coco Reef, Dillards)

Classic and class-y! This chick looks like Eva Longoria and J.Lo at the same time.

($100, DKNY, Dillards)

This one comes with the sash -- but not with the resistance ball. So if you want to wear your bathing suit outside on the way to the gym, you need to get BYORB. Anyway, the understated stripes are gorgeously offset by the fun-in-the-sun orange, (tee! Women's magazine writing!) LAYYYYDEEEEZE! I really do love this though. It's like the embodiment of Roy Lichtenstein's "Girl With Ball."


Night, lovelies! I'm off to catch some zois.

Salestravaganza: Promo Codes, Sales Y Mas

Sorry for the uninspired post -- I'm as busy on the workfront as Britney Spears is wack.

But, I'm passing on the savings to you with the following sales and promo codes:

Promo codes:
+ ASOS.com: 20% off
Use Code: EASTERSHOP.
Expires: March 24th

Buy something awesome, like this bikini:

($162.53, J4Gb, Asos.com)

+ Cutesygirl.com: 15% off
Use Code: SAVE15
Expires March 22

Buy something light and comfy for summer, like this mini dress:

($23.99, Mercy Me, Cutesygirl.com)

But definitely not this:

($19, Intimation, Cutesygirl.com)

+ Threadless.com: Tees on sale, from $9
No promo code, just a maje sale. Get something cute, like this very spring-y "Citrust-Me" Tee:

($15, Thomas DeSantis, Threadless.com)

Or, this fun giraffe (giraffes!!) Tee:

($9, Dan Rule, Threadless.com)

Both Tees available in dudes and Bettys versions.