Couture Trash

Recently I was looking through Net-a-Porter.com. Is there some rule that everything on that site needs to be either amazing or fucking terrible?

These three are amazingly terrible:

($2765, Fendi, Net-a-porter.com)

For a hot second, I almost felt like this COULD be beautiful, but then I pulled the paper bag filled with model airplane glue away from my face and realized that this is actually a well-tailored garbage bag! Too many sequins hurt eyes!

($675, David Szeto, Net-a-Porter.com)

Man. Where to even begin? This looks like a cheap valance you'd buy at an innercity dollar store. It also looks like one of those towel wraps that fasten at the top with Velcro, which is ALWAYS classy. It also looks like how a fancy party dress looks when you wake up the morning after the fancy party and lean out of bed and spot the dress balled up on the floor in a heap of stained, declining value. Whatever this shit is, it looks like you'd buy it at Bed Bath & Beyond, not in the same place you can buy Proenza Schouler.

($2358, Alexander McQueen, Net-a-Porter.com)

It's two awful dresses in one schizophrenic nightmare! Lilac crepe for when you wanna look like demure Lady Di circa 1984, and shitty black lace when you wanna look like Britney Spears at the 2001 VMAs. (Ah... the pre-Federline glory days!)

Bye, y'all!

Birthday Binge! Part I

Kay, so Tuesday was my birthday, y'all! And no, I'm not yet 30. So, here's just the beginning of my birthday binge, which is unfortunately just a fantasy binge.

Today's binge is SHOES:

($275, Goka, Pieces)
Snakeskin? Stunning.



($403, Fendi, Neiman Marcus)
Definitely willing to break the ankle strap rule for these. Wood + Lucite = shoe"gasm." And check out the heel detailing:
Gahflkdajfl;dksjafl;!!!


($855, Louis Vuitton, eLuxury)
Both the heel and the price are a wee bit steep, and true, they're a bit Beyonce, but they're beauts nonetheless.


($210, Dolce Vita, Zappos)
Maybe a bit Mary J. Blige, but also awesome and a steal.



($98, Zinc, Zappos)
Oddly appealing. Very Tapestry-era Carole King. Sorta almost makes me wanna wear a turtleneck in a weird way.


($189, Nike, Pickyourshoes.com)
Satisfies my inner Pharrell.


($63, Maria Bonita Extra, Shopbop)
Now that I'm getting "older," I can justify wearing wacky shit like orange patent flats!


($445, Brian Atwood, Neiman Marcus)
... And slutty heels in Grandma colors! Yay! Aging rules!

Wicker Is For Patio Furniture...

... Not your feet, okay? Same goes for rattan, jute, straw and raffia. Actually, ESPECIALLY for raffia. That shit is itchy and scratchy, and really, like cockroaches, do either really serve ANY purpose except to be annoying? Yet still, Stella (Ms. McCartney if yer nasty) insists upon basketweaving them into footwear, and the well-heeled set (or those who consider themselves so) drink it up with a straw.

Really? These??



($575, Stella McCartney, Barneys)
Hideous, unflattering, and may God help you should you go within 40 feet of a fired-up grill. And is there anything worse than witnessing a girl (usually overly fake tanned by about six or seven shades) in a dangerously short babydoll dress hobbling over a subway grate in 6-inch-high wicker walkers, desperately trying to maintain balance while avoiding a "Seven-Year Itch" moment? Seriously, one of the worst of all summer fashion cliches.



($575, Stella McCartney, Bergdorf Goodman)
Nope. Still terrible!



($495, VPL)
Is this someone's idea of a cruel joke?



($640, Fendi, Barneys)
They're not wicker or whatever, but close enough, as they ARE hateful. Glakdfjl;asdjfsl;aj!



($34, Connie, Shoes.com)
Avert your eyes!



($520, Fendi, Barneys)
Fendi's high-heel version of a five-car-pileup. It's as though the ankle strap is the freaking jaws of life, desperately attempting to free the helpless victim (in this case, your foot) from its captor (in this case, this God awful excuse for a shoe).



($615, Manolo Blahnik, Bergdorf Goodman)
What's that old adage about money not buying taste?



(Apprx $35 USD, Dorothy Perkins)
If you absolutely MUST, these aren't bad, though I'm rarely a huge fan of the T-bar.



($29, SM New York, Shop.com)
Finally, a pair of raffia shoes that don't make me want to gouge my eyes out. BTW, loks like SM New York is Steve Madden's lower-rent label. I always thought Steve Madden shoes were unreasonably priced, so yay for this.



($521, Hollywould, Ilovehollywould.com)
Apparently what we have here is one of the season's "it bags," though that's not saying much considering another "it bag" is an obnoxious send-off of a bag poor people keep their earthly belongs in. Anyway, what's so special about this clutch? Sure it's cute, especially if you're going to the Kentucky Derby, (which is SOOOOOOO two weeks ago), but you can find a straw clutch in any half-way decent vintage shop. And I'll hazard a guess that they're well below $500 bucks and that the above clutch ain't worth 5 Benjamins.



($225, Isabella Fiore, Bergdorf Goodman)
If you're still jonesing for an expensive straw clutch, this is pretty cute and half the price of Hollywould's. I like the white version too.



($108, Franchi, Zappos.com)
Much better.



($68, Mad Imports)
Juicy and delish colors, and no hideous ornamentation!!! THANK you!

I'm also feeling some of their other "all-natural" products that don't make me want to toss my recycling in the trash in protest of aesthetic bastardization:


($110, Mad Imports)



($98, Mad Imports)

K, bye!

Steve Madden Revenu Shooties!

($129.95, Steve Madden, Nordstrom)

'Sup, stud? True, these Steve Madden Revenu heels are CRAZY high, but I like the gradient effect and the possible homage to studded heels past by, I'm guessing, Giuseppe Zanotti, Fendi, or Balmain. WANTS!

Even More Safari Style!

A follow-up to yesterday's Ports-centric safari-style post:

($80, Cosabella, ActiveEndeavors.com)

Hawtness! As underwear, not outer. Obvz.

($219, Fendi, Forzieri.com)

The leopard-print fades into the Fendi logo. Gorgeous!

Feathery Fashions!

For some reason, I can't stop searching for -- and admiring -- feathery dresses and fashions and stuff. Observe:

Dennis Basso

This would make such an amazing wedding dress.

Chado Ralph Rucci

I want to marry THIS DRESS.

($2,214, Fendi, Net-a-porter.com)

I wanna sleep with this dress.

($450, Jean Paul Gaultier, Bergdorf Goodman)

So ridiculous, but I'd wear the shit out of it.

... AND
+ Lotsa feather earrings for under $20!
+ Zac Posen feather dress I want to just touch someday...

Are we human, are we dancer, and are we ever going to stop wearing this jacket? Because, really, it's enough already.